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The worst is when you wash your hands & there's no paper towels & rabid dogs kill everyone you love.

Say this fast- { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it (“,)

I hate holding my wife’s purse when she’s buying shoes, especially when she’s buying them on Zappos.

Bin Laden had 7 wives, 22 kids...? Arnold....6 kids, 1wife? We are really losing the war on terror.

Drink milk n get high, cause the cow is on grass =)

Dear Buffy, we have a new assignment for you. His name is Edward. Sincerely, the people that hate twilight”

Every person who dies skydiving has time to regret their decision

Chris Brown smashed that window when he saw his reflection and realized he looked like Sisqo.

People say "Twitter's shown me women can be funny." I always knew they were funny. Jews being funny, however: nice surprise

"She keeps me humble"-- No she doesn't. You're still an a**hole.

Is there any bigger ego boost than not remembering someone that remembers you? It's like being famous for a second.

Long day. Think I've earned a nice, tall, frosty glass of chocolate breastmilk.

Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that your lying becomes less important

People would be more excited about getting into relationships if Steve Jobs would just announce them as iCommitments.

Bats have a higher rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. That explains Edward Cullen

NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Just screamed the "N" word while watching a movie..FML the movie name was "for colored girls"

The Kentucky Derby must really confuse Michael Vick.

I just spilled an entire glass of water on myself. Saddest wet t-shirt contest ever. Good news is I won.

Th th th th the kings speech is so boring

Despite recent events, Al-Queda's future is still brighter than "Two and a Half Men's."

New Bin Laden drink recipe: 2 shots and a splash of water.

If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

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