Fun Facebook Statuses

So, is it too soon to ask Whoopie Goldberg if she’s heard from Patrick Swayze yet?

Watching Benjamin Button for the hundredth time. Never gets old

Cops should yell "Pikachuuuu" when they taze someone.

I'm certain if Bram Stoker knew Dracula would eventually lead to Twilight he would've slit his own wrists with a bat wing.

Whenever I see a mom clopping around in stripper heels, I imagine the baby slipping dollar bills into her nursing bra

Great news everybody! I saved a bunch of money on my homeowners insurance by switching to being homeless.

Pretty proud that after all these years I still have the body of a 22 yr old triathlete. In my storage shed.

thinksThe Jackson 5 should have been called “Michael & those other 4 dudes”

is bumping uglies with your woman

My friend Toren walks into Hooters and orders "chicken breast, but can you hold the chicken"

To help with the budget deficit, tonight will be the first-ever Tostitos™ State of the Union Address.

Rhinosare just fat unicorns. If we'd give them the time and attention they deserve, as well as a diet: They'd reveal their majestic ways.

Men: why wear SlimTs when you can just kill yourself?

Diarrhea would be a beautiful name if it didn't mean diarrhea

They could taste exactly the same, but out of principle, I would not eat them if they were called Rape Nuts

Just realized I sent flowers to my Florida wife's office on my California wife's birthday. This might be it…

Wow. Just heard the Kim Kardashian song. Stick to getting peed on, Kim.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

Don't s*** where you eat. Unless you're a starfish, whose mouth is also its anus. In that case, freak out, little monster.

has realised sex is not the answer, sex is the question and yes is the answer

My new battle cry for when I am eating mashed potatoes at KFC: I AM SPORKTACUS!!!

Every time you lie to your kid and tell them that some dumb thing they did is "great," you're potentially creating the next Britney...

dear buffy.. i have a new assignment for you... his name is edward....

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” is a great thing to say if you want people to hate you.... and unless life gives you some sugar and water (hopefully sparkling) then your lemonade is gonna taste like ass

if someone says "i'll get back to you".... apparently it means "i'll forget we ever had this conversation"

?...a dyslexic man walks into a bra... lol

2013: The year the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy.

is getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death.

is out making some changes in his or her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message you are one of the changes!

is tired of chasing his dreams. I'm just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.

is purposely pouring water on Gremlins

is swearing to drunk that he is not god

is [censored]

was asleep until you just called me… ass!

was watching football when it just hit me, football is extremely gay.

was dancing with the stars.

was drunk dialing but luckily my mom stopped me. Thanks MADD (motha’s against drunk dialing)

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