Funny Facebook Statuses

Screw optimists and pessimists, i am going to finish the glass..

Dear Homework. You are not attractive, and I’m not doing you.

I googled ur brain and result came “NO OBJECT FOUND”

Do you know exactly how much coke Charlie Sheen did? I’m not sure either but it was enough to kill Two and a Half Men

God created this world…And the rest was made in China

I think I’m going to change my name to “Meat” so that I wouldn’t mind if anyone is going to butcher it, as compared to no

UFC is the gayest sport ever ... They were just fighting doggie style

is Winning! Duh

is on a drug, it’s called ‘Charlie Sheen.’ It’s not available cuz if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and children will weep over your exploded body.”

I lied to my dog when he saw other hairs, "I just threw him the ball, I swear." And...cats are whores!" Forgive me, I made a mistake

Only awesome peopl are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!

…Don’t tell your problems to people: eighty percent don’t care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them…(“,)

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

The day when Youtube, Facebook & Twitter combine to form "YouTwitFace"

Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?

is getting a grip on reality... and choking it to death.

is out making some changes in his or her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message you are one of the changes!

is normal..it's everyone else that's weird.

is proof that God has a sense of humor...

is rejecting your reality and substituting it with his own.

is thinking so what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. Your move, Jesus.

is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

is tired of chasing his dreams. I'm just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.

dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned

is "writing this to entertain the losers who take the time to actually read what others ""status"" is"

My favorite mythical creature: The Honest Politician.

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

is rejecting your reality and substituting it with his own.

is thinking so what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. Your move, Jesus.

is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.

Time flies when you're throwing your alarm clock across the room!

All work and no play makes Jack a manager!To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

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