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Wow, it’s beautiful outside. I should probably do something… Like close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

is gonna kick your rear end from here to Tienanmen Square.

is made of meat. Your whole family is made of meat

is a lumberjack and he's okay. He drinks all night and works all day

Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

is going to suprise his wife on X-Mas with new boxers that say “Tickle-My-Elmo”.

”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington

is wondering why a whole damn airplane isn’t made out of the same material as the undestroyable black box?

wonders who decided that paper beats rock? Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of their face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?

just farted and it froze. Damn it’s coooold!

i Love That “5 Minutes Left In School” Feeling

knows it’s cold when Paris Hilton has to put on underwear.

That point in an argument when you realize you’re wrong

is wondering what the person who discovered milk was doing with the cow

Lord! if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

hated it when old aunts came up to her after weddings and said “You’re next!” They stopped that when she did the same to them after funerals!

is thinking, driving, reading, writing, eating, playing or sleeping. But not all at once.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

combine his love of bass fishing and exercise into new sport: Bassercize

only pay for sex if the price seems really, really reasonable

You can’t be late until you show up

War doesn’t determine who’s right, it determines who’s left.

If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.

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