Facebook Statuses That Will Get Likes

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. His spelling checks itself.

is an unlicensed helicopter pilot

can increase your penis size by 30%!!!!

is planning to quit the day he gets fired.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried

is wondering how blind people dream.

My heart is in the right place, I know, because I hid it there.

honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio

Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke

I could talk about myself for hours. But the second someone asks me to tell them a little bit about myself? I can’t even remember my name.

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions

I don’t know what I’d do without Facebook. Probably my work

If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Some day my prince will come.

You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

Love is like a Cigarette- it starts with sparks, continue with burns and ends with ashes. but don't worry we are chain smokers

You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday 35% Thursday 4% Friday

is wondering why rain drops and snow falls?

STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

who says nothing is impossible!!! i m doing nothing for years

I don't get nervous if I'm surrounded by beautiful women. I know they're all too busy hating each other to notice me.

I’m not 30 I’m 18 with 12 years of experience.

I spent my whole childhood wishing I was older. Now I’m older, it sucks

I am a bad liar…thats why i prefer telling the truth…

If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week.

just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.

Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men

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