Hilarious Facebook Statuses

Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring the sh*t out of ppl isn't illegal.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Sorry, I am not a toilet. Please stop feeding me your shit.

…is A) Crazy, B) Drunk, C) Delirious, or D) All of the above.

is "never on schedule, but always on time."

…is A) Hot, B) Cool, C) Lukewarm, or D) Sub-zero

…is the only male/female left on earth. What would you do?

…should get A) a haircut, B) a tattoo, C) a piercing, or D) all of the above.

…should get A) an afro, B) dreadlocks, C) a mullet, or D) a moptop.

…is thinking about learning a new language. Suggestions are welcome.

is walking through the intensive care unit dressed as the grim reaper

is havingtrou blewithhis spaceba

…is at your house.

…grants you ONE wish…

…changed his/her status update just to see your reaction

…is playing hide-and-seek.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile.

It's a bird! It's a plane! Wait, it's just that flying fuck I don't give.

Dear microwave, why is my plate so hot and my food so cold?

You're as useless as the "AY" in okay.

Ever notice a cut or bruise and wonder, how the fuck did I get that?

is normal.. it's everyone else that's weird

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The longer the title the less important the job.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them

is just not that into you

is having trouble watering the plastic plants

didn’t fight his way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

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