Holiday Facebook Statuses

Christmas Statuses

The awkwardness at the Christmas dinner table when your uncle tries to explain why he’s got an erection after giving your dad the Heimlich manoeuvre.

Christmas dinner is just like any other dinner. I sit down with a bird that doesn’t gobble anymore…

I was having sex with this large breasted bird the other day… Apparently I ruined the christmas dinner.

This ice cold weather is hilarious! I’m stood outside the mental hospital watching the staff trying to free fifty tongues from the windows!

the weather is lovely today… if you’re a fricken snowman!

OK, some big random guy in a red suit just stuffed me in a stocking, so someone's gotta fess up. Who asked for me this Christmas? ;)

is like a Candy Cane – sweet but very twisted

Tis the season to spend money fa la la la la la la la la, I'm really broke and it's not funny fa la la la la la la la la.

Oh the weather outside is frightful, But no school would be delightful, And since I don’t want to go, Let it snow let it snow let it snow.

NEWSFLASH!! Frosty the Snowman has been spotted in the vegetable section of the local supermarket. He was seen picking his nose!

Snowmen, the best kind of man! When you’re tired of them, you can just turn up the heat!

We tell kids not to talk to strangers. Then we bring them to the mall, plop them on the lap of a big, fat, creepy guy and wonder why they scream bloody murder!

All the presents are open, all the mouths have been fed, today is my day to stay in the bed!

Sent Santa a letter saying, "I wanted a husband who can cook, clean and do laundry." Just got a letter back saying, "I'm Santa not a miracle worker"

Remember Christmas is a time for giving, so give generously, I accept credit cards, checks and cash.

(_|_) I’m freezing my butt off!

Has just been kidnapped by a fat man in a red suit and put in a bag, ALRIGHT! FESS UP! Who put me on there Christmas list?

Due To the poor econmony Holiday Cheer will be distributed in Shot Glasses.

You might be a redneck if you hang Christmas lights off your roof with duct tape.

is wondering why his Stocking smells like feet.

thinks that if I keep this up, the Christmas miracle will be me getting my jeans buttoned.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

i am going to pin mistletoe to my ass so everyone gets the idea without words

you should be extra kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because you never know who will end up being your Secret Santa.\

New Years Statuses

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

my new years resolution is to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

resolves to remember to take his medication to stop his Wikleaks...

Avoid hangovers on New Year's Day by staying drunk.

Most people look forward to the New Year for a fresh start on old habits.

To beat the New Year traffic, leave when the countdown is at "6"

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions do!

New Years Resolution: At least once a week, I shall break a law I've never broken before.

resolves to avoid getting stuck in a Chilean mine.

resolves to stop Oprah from making any more shows.

resolves to marry Kate Middleton

resolves to tolerate stupid Facebook status updates as long as they don't waste my time.

is planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2011.

my New Year’s Resolution is to adhere to my resolutions for longer than 24 hours.

my new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

new years eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early.

Halloween Statuses

warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

What do skeletons always order at a restaurant? Spare ribs!

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.

What is a vampires favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.

What does Mrs Ghost serve for dessert? Ice scream.

What do fishermen say on Halloween? ‘Trick-or-trout!’

will have on his tomb stone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

…will be a ghost for Halloween and drink a lot of Boos.

…will be a ghost for Halloween and only eat boo-berries.

…will be a mummy for Halloween and listen to wrap all night.

…will be a zombie for Halloween and eat some human beans.

…will be a zombie for Halloween by wearing Decay NY.

…isn’t going to be a vampire for Halloween because it’s a pain in the neck.

…is dying to celebrate Halloween!

is going to dress up as Kanye West and show up at Taylor Swift's house this Halloween.

hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.

What do fishermen say on Halloween? ‘Trick-or-trout!’

Why is Dracula so unpopular? Because he’s a pain in the neck!

What did the mother ghost say her children? ‘Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.’

wonders if he's getting old, or if others also ask for high fibre candy only on Halloween?

forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of his sandwich.

hopes nobody else dresses up as Justus von Liebig, Father of biochemistry who recorded minerals in plant ash and proposed the law of minimum.

wonders if Lady Gaga dresses up as a normal person for Halloween???

is actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year

Thanksgiving Statuses

is thankful and somewhat humbled by receiving the Nobel Peace Prize

is thankful he never went for a sleepover at Michael Jackson’s house.

is thankful he isn't one of the "Plus Eight" from Jon & Kate.

happy turkey day

is thankful for his government bailout!!

is thankful that LOST is finally ending.

gobble gobble

dia de gracias

Have a turkey kneeling in prayer in thanks for the popularity of tofurkey

glad im not a turkey today

happy to be with family and friends

is thankful today that I never slept over at Michael Jacksons house

pumpkin pie here i come

is thankful he wasn't killed by OJ!

Hopes the Thanksgiving turkey does'nt Run off the table like last year

is thankful to be adopted by Madonna

Valentines Day Statuses

Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever.

All you need is love

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs.

One day my prince charming WILL come. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.

Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house.

Poetry spills from the cracks of a broken heart, but flows from one which is loved.

True love stories never have endings.

Love would never be a promise of a rose garden unless it is showered with light of faith, water of sincerity and air of passion.

Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts.

Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law.

I am loved

Would you kiss me you fool?!

says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you ... via this Facebook Status update

loves Valentines day, where sex is only a box of chocolates away

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.

Love is like a butterfly. It goes where it pleases and it pleases where it goes.

is thankful to be one of David Letterman's interns!

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