Facebook Statuses For Guys

Had a good talk with my father about the importance of respecting those that love you by prioritizing them appropriately. Point taken.

Wouldn't it be great if it turned out that men have been having periods this whole time, but we were so manly that we just hadn't noticed?

I love the new facebook. Keeps recommending that I poke my friend's mum.

Is Oral Sex a taste of things to come?

Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status which read: "How can I get rid of this morning sickness?" Turns out replying, "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself deleted.

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true

I got ripped in four weeks'. I don't give a shit. The last thing I want in the corner of my eye when watching porn is a naked guy tensing.

Note to self: Make sure on a first date both of us understand each other's idea of "eating out".

When nailing your scrotum to a kitchen table for the purposes of sexual gratification, always ensure that you leave the pliers within arms' reach, not in your toolbox in the shed.

The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

My wife said to me the other day, 'Surprise me with something that'll take my breath away'. So I punched her in the stomach.

Does anybody else hold off on cumming until the porn star does? Makes you think you're one of them doesn't it? Even if you have just fast-forwarded the last 20 minutes.

Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

After all the years of using condoms, it was only today I realized what the little bit on the end is really for? It’s to put your foot on, to get the tight bastard off! Or maybe that's just me?

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.

Never tell your dyslexic girlfriend to sit on your face.

My Nan must be so embarrassed by her odor she's pretending to be dead.

You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.

My girlfriend hates it when I wake her up with my boner. She says it's 'unromantic' and it 'hurts her eye'...

Are you a magnet cuz im attracted to you

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.

My wife just went mental at me for spilling Coke on her Yamaha Electric Piano. Not the first time a sticky keyboard has landed me in the shit.

Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

Condoms are useless. They burst, and when they do it's a disaster. The stomach just cannot cope with the sudden influx of 2 kilos of cocaine.

You know it's a good wank when your screensaver comes on.

Women's football would be a lot more popular if they renamed it "22 girls 1 cup"

Aliens are abducting men with big cocks - you other guys are safe. I'm just posting this to say goodbye.

Dyslexic porn stars. Putting the sex in dyslexia.

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