Witty Facebook Statuses

No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I'm going to assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."

You should never trust a person as far as you can throw them...Needless to say, I trust the hell out of babies

men are from earth.. women are from earth... deal with it.

Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat"... Now, I've forgotten my keys, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

If you ever send email with the subject line: "FWD: fw: FW: FW: Re: FW: FW: FW:" you can be certain that the recipients are starting to hate you.

Is it douchey to retweet a compliment somebody posts about you? Still unclear to me.

I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

Facebook is like a refrigerator...you get bored and keep checking it but nothing ever changes. :-(

Ok serious question......Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..

Breaking news – Energizer Bunny arrested & charged for battery

I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing…

is getting a grip on life… and choking it to death

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can’t count

Lying in bed shouting, “OH GOD!” does not constitute going to church.married his wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving him lately!

always takes life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila

Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married

slept like a baby last night . Waking up every 3 hours crying for food

Heights of innocence – a Nun working in a condom factory, believing she is making sleeping bags for mice!

Ambition is a miserable excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work!

My boss is much more than just a mentor to me – he is my tormentor.

There are certain things that Man was never meant to know; for everything else, there's Google.

Hard work never kills you – it just keeps you away from Facebook!

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.

The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

_________ got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy".

I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is somebody screwed up.

______ is so rare, even diamonds are jealous! ;)

We fall, we rise, we fall again, we rise again, we fall yet again, and that's when we decide to make up some ridiculous things to say about life.

_______ is limited edition!!

has zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.

has > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you homie.

has 20/20 hearing!

has a giant hangover octopus stuck to my head.

has run out of time on my parking meter.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

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